B2 Stats

Last night alone.  moved my K/D ratio UP by .4   (Thus it is now .44)  I earned about 7 submachine efficiency pins, a nemesis pin (Very Hard to get - bet you don't have one) and all around wrecked house.  It was intense, a real serious game. 

Check these stat pics from my Nikon. 

Who don't Ker. - Part 1

Which one of these people really doesn't care what people think about them?

OR

YOU  DECIDE !!!!

Logo Madness Part 1

I hope that you enjoy bad logos.  These logos show a lack of design, forethought and common sense.
Enjoy.

No explanations will be given.

When logos are this bad an explanation is a complement.

There is a Michael Jackson joke here somewhere ... 

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..."MY cheek retractor can ALSO do an ultrasound...".

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"K" is for Kolon.

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Fin.

SPOT the DIFFERENCE! - PART 1

Alright huge fan base,  One of these pics is not like the other.  One of these pictures is not the same.  One of these pics is not like the other. NOW its time to play our game.  Its time to play OUR game.

Check the exhibits and  find the oddity.  I bet you can't, because your fat, bald and have chicken legs !!!!
 ... Oh wait thats me.

Pretty Boy Bird = Looks like an Oreo milkshake meets a chicken.
MMmmm 

The peeping J-Raff - "Look!, he has a total woody."

.

Even Leapards get alopecia ... and bipedalism.

Poor long term thinking - Ix-nay on the office job-ay (Pig Latin).
If this dude wears plaid people will go into seizures.

The missing link?
Ugly Unicorn?

Big nose, pale skin, gold jewelry, sacred lake ... WWJD?

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Pic out the winning entry and win the trip to a 5 star hotel and resort paid for by you.

FIN!

CUTENESS OVERLOAD - Part 3

CUTENESS OVERLOAD  RETURNS !!!!!!

Just Let It Out !!!!!

Letting stress and pressure build up inside is very unhealthy.

We here at the Martian Monkey Research Facility believe in expressing yourself and taking the cap off of the pressure valve.

These two videos are shining examples of getting in touch of the human that exists within our robotic lives.

Amen.

Video 1 Breakdown:

- A young man tells actor Danny Glover that he still cares about his movies.
- Danny Glover loses his composure because he has not been relevant since the 'Lethal Weapon' franchise.

Video 2 Breakdown:

- A city council meeting gets 'heated' very quickly.
- This was the same location as the "Where's the Beef" commercials circa 1985.
- We find out where the beef went.

Express Yourself !

Fin

CUTENESS OVERLOAD - Part 2

Hello again,

After many requests (Read as: One request from my mom) I am posting Part 2 of CUTENESS OVERLOAD.    I could just eat these little guys up, with barbecue sauce, fava beans and a nice chianti.

BOO - The worlds cutest dog

• Whats up with the licking?  Does he have Kool-Aid on his nose?
• I wonder if he rides the doggy short bus?
• Special Talents: Boo can pic his nose with his own tongue
• That haircut might makes his head look like a box
• I bet he smells like a My Little Pony

Rolly Polly Puppy

• "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up"
• Weebles really wobble but they don't fall down
• Got legs?
• The rigamortis is gonna setting in soon...
• Sure your not a turtle?

Baby Ducks and Wind = Anarchy

• Bowling with ducks
• "Help Mom", ....... ..but all she heard were silent quacks
• If this duck was a crossing guard she would be fired from her job
• Strength in numbers?  Tell that to the next duck posse.....
• Just be glad there wasn't a highway nearby...or a vacuum

Cute Baby Ostriches Nursing 

• Soylent Green is Made Out Of People!!!
• Raptors live! THEY LIVE

OOooops, ran out of cuteness..... again.

Sorry, I'll do better next time

: (

Thee Martian Monkey: His Royal Apeness

Wow, this sculpture by Alfred Paredes is perfect for worshiping false idols and other acts of blaspheme.

The Martian Monkey

This ... Is YOUR American Idol... sans nipples.

CUTENESS OVERLOAD - Part 1

CUTENESS OVERLOAD

Baby Bunny

• If only this little baby bunny could double as a key chain.
• I wonder if it squeaks if you squish it.
• It looks all 'Chinese eyed'.
• PS - That bunny has some frickin dirty feet. Stanky!

Hamster on a Piano

• Wow, he is really getting some mileage out of that one kernal.
• I heard corn is like ether to a hamster.

Baby Seal

• Poor seal, nobody told him he isn't supposed to have legs.
• This is like that scene in poltergeist, only cuter.
• This is like that scene from 'Kids' when some guy starts singing "I have no legs".
• I wonder if he is going to a club tonight? (Get it, Seals get clubbed ..eh. whatev ..)

Scene from Kids - Compare it  yourself

OOOooops

Sorry guys,  I ran out of cuteness...

Next time I'll do better...

Best Songs on Youtube - Charlie Sheen and Bed Intruder

Wow, for every 10,000 videos of people making annoying rambling vanity projects we get one good Youtube video.

If I see one more idiot reading a shopping list I will officially disavow my belief in Darwinism.

So here are two gems from an internet filled with bile and vinegar.

Song 1:  

The Parody Factory feat. Charlie Sheen

"Winning"

This song is a banging club track and a recount of Charlie's epic lifestyle; with Katie Couric acting as Charlie's hype-man.

FACT - There is a positive correlation between high school kids hearing this song and winding up in a bathroom laying in a puddle of vomit three days later. ...  (I did.)

TygerBlud 4 Lyf MofFos !!!!!

Charlie Sheen:  Genious or Madman?

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Song 2: 

Autotune News feat. Antoine Dodson

"Bed Intruder Song"

After a local news station went out to report a simple home invasion, the story was picked up and turned into a great song.

FACT:   This beat is so Crunk Lil Jon started banging his head with his vagazled goblet until he couldn't say "Yeah" anymore.  : (

PS - They never found the rapist in Lincoln Park.....All just Big Talk, No Action.

(Not surprising)

Mike Tyson Wants a 'Brown Belt' and Other News

***WARNING EXPLICIT CONTENT***

Mike Tyson Wants to Fight for a Brown Belt?

This is an oldy but a goody.  Right after Mike Tyson got out of prison, he held a press conference which got pretty ugly.  Tyson began to aggressively flirt with a male reporter using stories of his own sexual prowess. Judging by his colorful language, Tyson had clearly cultivated his sexual repertoire during prison life.  

Tyson had a Championship gold belt, but now sounds focused on earning his brown belt.

Can anyone say meltdown?
Can anyone say analingus?


The "Montana/Pumper" Chronicles...

Lawrence Fishbourne's 19 year old daughter is named Montana.  She decided to call herself  'Chippy D' and begin a porn career. Here is footage of her dining with porno co-star Sir Brian Pumper of Gutterville.  He explains in detail the nuance and methodology of crafting his productions.

This interview with Professor Pumper could have been profound if not for the fact that it takes place in a rundown  KFC with wobbly tables.  MMmm,  greasy breasts and thighs...... AND fried chicken!!!

Watch Professor Pumper wax philosophic about boning strangers.

Brian Pumper looks like he is wearing everything he owns.
Montana Fishbourne looks like she is bored with Professor Pumper.

Brian Pumper makes Dr. Ruth look like Mary Hart.

Brian Pumper makes Jerry Seinfeld  look like Tony Robbins.

Mike Tyson should call up Brian Pumper.

.....................................................Damn, this blog is asinine. I feel dirty now.  : (

BAM!

Children of the Corn - Part 3

Okay, celebrity children - Comparison time.

                                      Montana Fishbourne VS Chet Hanks

M. Fishy

                                                                           Hank Cheezy

Critically acclaimed actor Lawrence Fishbourne's daughter, Montana,  has taken the high road and gone into hard-core pornography.  The porn industry grosses $14 Billion annually.

Critically acclaimed actor Tom Hanks' son, Chet Haze, has taken the obvious route that most Hollywood raised rich kids do and become a rapper.  The white rapper industry does not really gross anything....

Winner:  Montana Fishbourne

Quote. "Son, why can't you do something normal with your life,  like Lawrence's daughter" *Tom storms off*
- Tom Hanks

Quote. "Listen Montana, I'm not proud of your choices in life, but at least your not Chet Hanks" *hug*
- Lawrence Fishbourne

Reverse Burgle

                                                            Reverse Burgle

                                                                             Because tough love is a form of kindness

Are you looking for a new thrill?
Have some extra cash to blow?
A zest for design and adventure?
Easy.  Reverse Burgle.

Instead of breaking into a house and taking there stuff, you can assert your dominance in a much different way.  It is still a gross violation of privacy but adds a semi-charitable component.

Break into a home BUT start replacing their crappy belongings with better merchandise.  Reverse Burgle!

Replace there old tube T.Vs with flat screen LCDs, put down a better throw rug, giv'em a new set of electric toothbrushes, provide new bed sheets, replace there awful clothing with preppy Lacoste polo shirts, and even Photoshop there pictures (Nobody admits they looked ugly in a picture....), give them some condoms, condiments and even a convection oven.

Oh snap, almost forgot - give them a Tivo and program in some educational programs.

Also:
Find there cash savings? Add a few hundred bucks - Reverse Burgle.  BAM!
Find an old smelly cat?  Wash it - BAM.  Reverse Burgle!
Don't find any books?  Build a shelf and fill it with classics for the illiterate sods.  BAM.  R.B.
Fridge is full of fatty foods?  BAM, NOW the Pizza Pops box is stuffed with frozen veggies!
Too much art? redistribute the art.
Not enough art? Add some art. ............. esreveR elgruB!

It's kind of like playing gangster god and interior decorator at the same time!
Reverse Burgle! A gross violation of privacy, a gift of better stuff.

GREATEST IDEA EVER.

Puppy Exchange: Love Puppies? Hate Dogs? - Best Business Ideas Ever.

Okay, here is a fantastic idea.  The Puppy Exchange.  People get sent a new puppy every 4 month, and after that you send it back and get a new puppy for 4 months.  This way you get ALL puppy, NO giant dogs.  You cannot read a book with a freaking huge Husky on your lap.....unless its under 4 months old!!!

Want a cute lap dog?  Call Puppy Exchange
Have a few months off work? Call Puppy Exchange.  Bam!
Have a small bed but want a Labrador puppy?  .....Call .P.E!

The old dogs can go to, i don't know, blind people, or science, or "good homes" or stuff like that.... Market forces usually distribute things with supplies and demanders. I saw a graph one time so I'm sure the dogs will be fine.

A Great Link for Making Logos !

Wow,  follow this link for a great link to create free logos.

It is called CoolText.

http://cooltext.com/Logo-Design?LogoID=580737887&BackgroundImage=87

Band-aid Thoughts

1. They should make camouflage Band-aids for people with vitiligo.

Fair is fair.(Google 'vitilago' and you will understand.)

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2. Colored Band-aids for colored people.

A pink Band-aid would look a little strange on Manute Bol. (Google him, and R.I.P.)

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3. Hairy Band-Aids for people with alopecia.

Yup. Kinda gross but yup.

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4. White Band-aids  for albino or Irish people.

BAM!

Children of the Corn - Part 2 (The Videos)

Why make you search for these guys when I can give you this sweet Kool-Aid up front.  

After much research I noticed that they require nicknames, so I gave them some "street aliases". 

Chet Haze 

(AKA Hank Cheezy)
Tom Hanks wants to beat his son til he is "white and purple"

Pablo Dylan 

(AKA  P. Dildo)

Rich Hil 

(AKA  Life Crisis)

Blame Pro Tools and Laptops for making recording cheap for anyone.

Blame new media for making music have nothing to do with making good songs.

Blame image for surpassing an interest in creating content.

Blame bloggers for talking about garbage like this.

What ever happened to just trying to make a decent tune?

These guys make MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice look like Jay-Z and Eminem.

BAM !!!!!

Children of the Corn - Part 1

My first entry had to be something special.  I waited for the right topic and finally found something worthy enough (read: swarthy enough) to mention.  Here goes nothing.  And I mean nothing.

The newest rage seems to be male ‘celebutantes’ (Caucasian uber rich kids of the mega stars) becoming ... ready ...ready ..  RAPPERS!  Yes, they are actively pursuing rap careers..  I kid you not!   After throwing up in my mouth all day while putting in the research to get the scoop on this ridiculous concept I have a list that will make you cringe.

The List

Chet Haze

Apostle of Wiggerville


Chet Hanks is so wack he makes Kevin Federline look like Eminem.


Tom Hanks has a son named Chet Hanks, who looks like Brian Austin Green from 90210 but raps like ... Brian Austin Green from 90210.  Poor Tom Hanks, all of those Oscars and your celebrity buddies have an amazing new reason to rip on you at million dollar parties.  (Jack Nicholson would go nuts with this information, perfect ammo)

The sad news is that Chet Hanks talks about private islands, sipping purple syrup, smoking blunts and stabbing people with ski-poles.  (Yes, gangsters do quite a bit of skiing in the Hamptons)  He kind of omits the fact that his dad pays his bills.

The good news is that he also talks about college life.  At least if the rap career bombs he has his General Arts and Sciences Degree to fall back on, while spending dads Green Mile (Get it?  Green Mile...  money is green? .. lame joke, sorry).  So sad. For every Colin Hanks there is a Chet Hanks.  Hank Cheezy is 21.

He was recently reviewed by a huge celebrity.
"Son, I'm so disappointed." - Tom Hanks

Chet Haze - White and Purple

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-NeGDOIVco

Pablo Dylan

110 Minutes of Fame. (Far less than average)


P    Pablo Dylan, Bob Dylan’s grandson is a 16 year old rapper who sounds like a mix of T-Pain and New Kids on the Block.  He is only 16 years old but has the ability to suck for another 5-6 years.

Pablo Dylan is so wimpy he makes Joey Lawrence look like Steven Seagal.

Pablo Dylan is so pampered he uses a diaper as a do-rag.

Thanks Pablo, for making average suburban white kids look “gangsta”.

T I This is just ugly.  T-Pain is partly to blame; having delusions of grandeur from a famous family name is even more responsible.  Jacob Dylan is so wack he makes Right Said Fred look like Beethoven.

Top Of The World (Prod. Closer) - Pablo Dylan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DeQc_MDyyZU

Rich Hil

''
"Lowered Expectaaaaatiooons"

Probably the worst offender on the list, Rich Hil is the son of fashion mogul Tommy Hilfiger.  The words ‘Limo Life’ is tattooed on Rich Hil’s knuckles.  Need I say more?  Yes.  He has been making rap music for quite a few years and has actually regressed in talent.  He spent last year getting his entire body covered in a huge tattoo from the chin down, and sports a scruffy mop top and toque.

Ricky Hil is so incoherent he makes Chet Haze sound like Aristotle.

He has plastered youtube.com with dozens of videos where he whines and babbles without any clear sense of lucidity.  Even worse, he smokes a joint in every single video, as if weed and tattoos will create "street cred".  This kid truly just mumbles anything (Unlike Chet and Pablo who seem to have written down lyrics... bad, bad lyrics) .  He looks and sounds like he thinks Lil Wayne is Jesus.  The sad part is Lil Wayne will never have access to as much money as Rich Hil.

Poor Tommy Hilfiger, he tried to raise his son right, and couldn't even raise his son white. (bad joke)..    - Oddly enough,  I sort of think Rich Hil is SO wack that it's dope yo....

Rich Hil makes Waka Flocka Flame sound like KRS-One. 

PS – Rich Hil has a record deal now.  With production by Lex Luger!  I will actually download this album.

Rich Hil - Cookies and Apple Juice

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zd9w97RpToI

Martian Monkey Intro

Martian Monkey is your number 1 source for news based around the offspring of famous people, random thoughts and ingenious ideas.  Walking the fine line between ingenious and idiot.  With much more of the latter...